I think its been about two years since my last real post. A lot has changed during these past two years, (changed schools, moved to Texas etc.) but a lot has also stayed the same. I still struggle with my faith. I am still trying to figure out how to let God have more control of my life. I am still broken.
Recently I have begun wondering if I even really believe in Jesus. I have no doubt that God exists, I see him all around me and especially in my science, but Jesus.....he is still a mystery to me I fear. I mean I know all the stories and I know the songs but do I really know Jesus and believe in him?As I am writing this I am reminded of a scene from one of my favorite movies, The Nightmare Before Christmas.
Now you may be asking yourself, "what does this movie have anything to do with Jesus? I thought it was some dark weird movie about Halloween." And to some extent you would be right, but the movie is actually a lot more than that. After a visit to Christmas town, Jack Skellington (the main character of the movie) tries to understand the meaning of Christmas. He believes that there is a logical explanation there, so he studies all the books for Christmas and follows the scientific method. But just when he is about to give up all hope of understanding, its like a veil is lifted and he thinks he finally understands. Now we see later on that he doesn't actually understand the true meaning of Christmas, but that is not my point.
My point is this, no matter how hard Jack tried he just couldn't understand the magic of Christmas. It was foreign to him. Its like no matter how times I read the bible stories, sing the songs, or go to church, do I actually understand Jesus? If you actually look at the lyrics of the song, you will see many different parallels between Jack's struggle with Christmas and my struggle with my faith. Here are some the lines that I like the best for this analogy...
"There's so many things I cannot grasp
When I think I've got it and then at last.
Through my bony fingers it does slip,
like a snowflake in a fiery grip."
There are times, especially when I am at Church, that I am think am starting to understand. That I am starting to truly believe. But just a quickly, something comes along and the moment is gone. My pride makes it so that I do not confide in those around me and no progress is actually made.
"I've read these Christmas books so many times
I know the stories and I know the rhymes.
I know the Christmas carols all by heart.
My skull's so full it's tearing me apart.
As often as I've read them, something's wrong.
So hard to put my bony finger on."
Like I said, growing up a Christian has made it so that I know all the stories, I know all the songs. I know how I am supposed to act and what I should say. But something's wrong, do I truly believe any of it?
Or perhaps it's really not as deep as I've been led to think
.Am I trying much too hard? Of course. I've been too close to see.
Just the other day I was telling a girl at my small group who is struggling to believe that she needs to stop trying so hard. She is trying to force something and control something that is really God's to control. Advice I should probably take to heart.
The answer's right in front of me.
Right in front of me.It's simple really, very clear,
like music drifting in the air.Invisible, but everywhere.
Just because I cannot see it doesn't mean I can't believe it.
I feel like Jesus is right in front me, just waiting for me to see him but I'm scared. He doesn't fit in with my scientific view. God: yes...Jesus: I dunno.I want to believe. I want to be a true follower of him.
Today I was at the local Christian book store when I came across this book "not a fan." by Kyle Idleman. Even just reading the prologue, it made me question myself, am I really a follower or just a fan? Unfortunately I am pretty sure I am fan and not a follower, however I am hoping that by working through this work it will help me to become more of a follower and less of a fan. I am once more going to try to blog my thoughts here after chapter and hopefully by doing so it will help to keep my accountable.
So here we go ahead, on my journey toward Jesus and becoming more than just a fan and actually becoming a follower.